Apartmente, Act I: Scene I

[VAL and JAINA step onstage. Dressed in rags, they carry only a battered suitcase each as well as a faded D doujinshi for VAL and a torn Knives wallscroll for JAINA]

JAINA: Comrades! Today is a very important day, for today we begin our quest for...a home.

[AUDIENCE gasps and begins whispering]

VAL: Yea, this may be a deadly quest, but it is one we are prepared to take. For with a home comes our own bathroom, a living room unsullied by other floormates, comfortable refrigerator space--

JAINA: Don't forget the corner nook for the anime character torture devices--

VAL: Um, "recreational spaces"...

[Suddenly, a clown runs onstage, throws a pie at our heroes, spattering their possessions slightly. He laughs and runs off stage left, whereupon JAINA pulls out a derringer and shoots him through the head.

VAL: Um...what was that?

JAINA: Comic relief. Our director was worried the production was too dour. So, he insisted on adding a clown.

VAL: And the gun?

JAINA: I don't like clowns.

[AUDIENCE titters]

JAINA: Lo, we must depart this place for the wild Greens of Bowling. We must search!

VAL: And be nosy!

JAINA: And question landlords!

VAL: And examine carpets for suspicious stains!

JAINA: Come, comrade. A perilous journey this will be, but we will take it. We will be brave. We will find...an apartment.

[JAINA and VAL stride bravely off stage left, stepping over the prone clown. AUDIENCE applauds. Roses and underwear are thrown]