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The Evil Returns
Aug. 2nd, 2001 01:56 amBack from Fest/morp. Whooo! Had tons of fun, already have seven of ten or so rolls of film developed, already miss everyone like crazy. I had this thought when I walked into my normal, everyday garage when we got home..."I don't belong here! I belong in Utah, with my friends!" But even as I thought it, I knew it was just dialogue in my head and not something I was actually believing. As much as I love the HoEs, as much as I enjoy being with such intelligent, clever, fun people, I belong wherever it is that I am getting an education and bettering myself and getting on with my life. But no worries, because they'll always be there for me.
Last night was really wonderful. I walked into our hotel room, which was apparently party ground zero, and the smell of alcohol nearly booted me back into the hall. No one got well and truly smashed, but when you have alcohol for fifteen people, you get an odor. There was a nice selection. I had half a Mike's Hard Lemonade, which is truly tasty, and a bit of strawverry daiquiri which was very sweet but good enough when you love strawberries and think beer tastes like cat piss.
Anyways, after a while I got to talking with Jen, which is always such a treat. Before I really knew her, I admired her and was in a little awe of her as many people are...and over time, we talked and got to be friends and know I respect and admire her more, but for all the right and real reasons. Because she is my friend, not because she is some stellar ficwriting person. I remembering telling her that twice last night, it was just that kind of mood. I don't know if even the tiny bit of alcohol I imbibed loosened my tongue or if it was just the right climate, but I ended up spilling things about the school situation that I don't think even I knew were brewing. It's not yet official, but it's very likely that I will change my major soon. To what? Well, it's the "from" that's important, not the "to", but from what I was talking about and what I like, to communications. I've been having a lot of low-level angst over this. Because, y'know, I don't plan on getting my master's or PhD and teaching, and I don't plan on publishing poetry collections as I work at some halfass job to pay the bills, and that limits the career options for a straight creative writing major if one wants to actually work in relation to one's major. Something I really thoroughly enjoy doing is writing that's not fiction, but not journalism. Like the writeup I do for Sadists, that's something I love to do and do well, even if it is simply fun amateur stuff. So what kind of major is that? Well, communications, that's what it seems to be. Odd how MiR might have spurred all f this, the plotless story idea that drifted through my head months ago. See, it's a good story, a fun story to write, a story I believe in. And it's fanfiction. So fucking what? Writing is writing. I do it because it makes me happy, not because I want to publish it and get famous, although the latter wouldn't suck. The bottom line is, or so I babbled last night, I'm tired of feeling bad if I take the time to write a fanfic instead of an original piece. I don't want to keep feeling like less of a writer when I look at someone else's body of work that is bigger than mine. I'm not less of a writer because of what others do. I'm not! And I have to keep reminding myself that. The real bottom line is that I should be working towards a goal that satisfies me, not something that causes me pain because of what I am not. And it's not as if I'm going to stop writing. I will always write, and I will still at least minor in creative writing. A double-major is not out of the question.
Megan said tonight that the best decisions come in an instant, and that's not weird, that they have a "rightness" of feeling to them. I'm feeling that now. I can still be a writer and get the kind of education that I want without feeling a sense of dread when considering the future. Life is right in front of me for the taking, it's up to me to do something about it.
Just talking about all this helped me sort things out in my head. Jen and Susan are wonderful because they understand, they've been there, and they are such good listeners. And though she may not want to be the HoE denmother, Susan's hugs have a wonderfully maternal "It'll be okay" vibe to them. Just what I needed.
I hope this doesn't seem all doom and gloom, because I really am feeling more positive, if a bit nervous. I was going to write more, but I think I'll stop here. This was hella long and actually almost centered for once, so I'll let it lie as is. More tomorrow, as I lay out the frenzied workings of a HoE meeting. Watch Ron try and fail to evade authorities! See Mike shatter the speed limit and orally abuse a powerpuff girl! Marvel at the way Jaina and Emma shimmy like whores with hearts of gold! Fear the magnificent strength of Baby Ethan's spit-up!
Same Yaje time, same Yaje channel.
Last night was really wonderful. I walked into our hotel room, which was apparently party ground zero, and the smell of alcohol nearly booted me back into the hall. No one got well and truly smashed, but when you have alcohol for fifteen people, you get an odor. There was a nice selection. I had half a Mike's Hard Lemonade, which is truly tasty, and a bit of strawverry daiquiri which was very sweet but good enough when you love strawberries and think beer tastes like cat piss.
Anyways, after a while I got to talking with Jen, which is always such a treat. Before I really knew her, I admired her and was in a little awe of her as many people are...and over time, we talked and got to be friends and know I respect and admire her more, but for all the right and real reasons. Because she is my friend, not because she is some stellar ficwriting person. I remembering telling her that twice last night, it was just that kind of mood. I don't know if even the tiny bit of alcohol I imbibed loosened my tongue or if it was just the right climate, but I ended up spilling things about the school situation that I don't think even I knew were brewing. It's not yet official, but it's very likely that I will change my major soon. To what? Well, it's the "from" that's important, not the "to", but from what I was talking about and what I like, to communications. I've been having a lot of low-level angst over this. Because, y'know, I don't plan on getting my master's or PhD and teaching, and I don't plan on publishing poetry collections as I work at some halfass job to pay the bills, and that limits the career options for a straight creative writing major if one wants to actually work in relation to one's major. Something I really thoroughly enjoy doing is writing that's not fiction, but not journalism. Like the writeup I do for Sadists, that's something I love to do and do well, even if it is simply fun amateur stuff. So what kind of major is that? Well, communications, that's what it seems to be. Odd how MiR might have spurred all f this, the plotless story idea that drifted through my head months ago. See, it's a good story, a fun story to write, a story I believe in. And it's fanfiction. So fucking what? Writing is writing. I do it because it makes me happy, not because I want to publish it and get famous, although the latter wouldn't suck. The bottom line is, or so I babbled last night, I'm tired of feeling bad if I take the time to write a fanfic instead of an original piece. I don't want to keep feeling like less of a writer when I look at someone else's body of work that is bigger than mine. I'm not less of a writer because of what others do. I'm not! And I have to keep reminding myself that. The real bottom line is that I should be working towards a goal that satisfies me, not something that causes me pain because of what I am not. And it's not as if I'm going to stop writing. I will always write, and I will still at least minor in creative writing. A double-major is not out of the question.
Megan said tonight that the best decisions come in an instant, and that's not weird, that they have a "rightness" of feeling to them. I'm feeling that now. I can still be a writer and get the kind of education that I want without feeling a sense of dread when considering the future. Life is right in front of me for the taking, it's up to me to do something about it.
Just talking about all this helped me sort things out in my head. Jen and Susan are wonderful because they understand, they've been there, and they are such good listeners. And though she may not want to be the HoE denmother, Susan's hugs have a wonderfully maternal "It'll be okay" vibe to them. Just what I needed.
I hope this doesn't seem all doom and gloom, because I really am feeling more positive, if a bit nervous. I was going to write more, but I think I'll stop here. This was hella long and actually almost centered for once, so I'll let it lie as is. More tomorrow, as I lay out the frenzied workings of a HoE meeting. Watch Ron try and fail to evade authorities! See Mike shatter the speed limit and orally abuse a powerpuff girl! Marvel at the way Jaina and Emma shimmy like whores with hearts of gold! Fear the magnificent strength of Baby Ethan's spit-up!
Same Yaje time, same Yaje channel.
