Ew ew ew ew ew

[effervescible]

I don't care if this particular "purity ball" is less skeevy than some of the others, it is still creepy. Oh my god it is still creepy. These things give me hives. Someone link me some dirty, dirty porn to make it go away.

Comments

[dougras.livejournal.com]

It's a group for porn addicts. Women don't look at porn (this is a scientific fact), so they cannot be porn addicts, so there cannot be women there. Daddy is a committed Christian and as we all know committed Christians cannot be homosexual. So sadly, Daddy cannot be trolling for dates. Perhaps he's trolling for a son substitute to form a creepy relationship with.

ALSO MORE QUOTES FROM ANOTHER STORY BECAUSE I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

Christmas Eve had come at last. Gabriel and Michael sat talking.

“What time is it, Gabriel?” asked Michael. Gabriel looked down at a rather immense calendar watch, studied it a moment and looked back up.

“It’s exactly the 14th year of Augustus . . . you know, annus quattuordecimus, as these Romans say.”

“No, no, no! I want it in the new time. I can’t remember! Is it B.C. or A.D.?”

Gabriel looked again at the big watch.

“It’s about time for the changeover! Tonight at midnight, the Lord God puts the new star in that elliptical orbit that passes over Bethlehem . . . then all the angels have to set their watches ahead to A.D.”

Michael scratched his head.

“A.D.? What’s that mean?”

“How do I know what it means? The Lord God’s the only one who knows everything. I think it stands for some more of those Roman words, anno Domini or something like that. Anyway, it just means Jesus Time. The whole world is going to use it; it all becomes official as soon as the Lord God takes the brakes off that new star.”

Let's just mention some things here. It's the year 0 and Gabriel has a watch. The angels are squbbling over AD and BC - AD being Latin (which apparently neither one understands, only God understands Latin), and the BC being English, a language which won't come into being to be able to say "Before Christ" and use those letters until, probably, Chaucer in the 1300s. And at least Michael is familiar with both of these abbreviations - amazingly over 500 years before the Christian calendar is even thought of! But anno Domini just means Jesus Time, and the whole world will use it! Except for the Mayans. And the Chinese. And the Jews. And the Hindus. And the Muslims. But, aside from them, everybody!

Gabriel and Michael (archangels, mind you) come off as both amazingly prescient and dimwitted. Which is freakishly difficult to pull off at the same time.

[jaina.livejournal.com]

...what.

[dougras.livejournal.com]

Michael cautiously ventured one final question: “Look, Gabriel, how are they coming on that new star?”

Gabriel looked excited.

“I just flew by the Star Foundry yesterday. Mike, this is going to be a big one. Bright, too. You remember how all the angels were wearing sunglasses when the Lord God started dumping the hydrogen in Andromeda? Well, this one’s bigger and brighter. It makes Halley’s comet look like a sulfur match.”

“Sulfur match?”

“Never mind, Michael. They’re pumping the hydrogen now. This is going to be some star. It’s gonna slam smack into the middle of the constellation Pisces. There are some astrologers out in the desert at a big stargazers convention. Those guys are really in for a surprise. Remember how mixed up they were during the last meteorite shower? Think what it’ll do to their charts when Redeemer 1 comes a-slicin’ through the sky.”

Michael beamed. “Redeemer 1. . . . I like that. Is that what they’re calling it: Redeemer 1?”

“That’s what it is, Michael.”

“Man, what a name for the Jesus star! Say, speaking of Jesus, where is he, Gabe?”

“Still tucked up under the heart of Mary, but not for long. Mike, I’m so excited!”

Gabriel, who doesn't understand Latin, or English (though he's aware of it) is, however, aware of sunglasses. And sulfur matches! Surprisingly Gabriel (or Gabe, as his friends call him) doesn't use the Dutch term for sulfur matches (seeing as how he's aware of other future languages) - Lucifers. He also knows about the existence of both sulfur and hydrogen - no mean feat for the year 0. However, Gabe apparently isn't aware that the womb isn't directly beneath the heart. Mike, on the other hand, doesn't seem to grasp exactly how babies are born at all, because he's the one prancing around going "JESUS WILL BE BORN TONIGHT," and yet he doesn't seem aware of what that entails.

This is the best story.

[jaina.livejournal.com]

Congrats. You have broken my brain.

[dougras.livejournal.com]

Actually it gets better when, later in the story, Gabriel confesses that he sings best in Latin.

The language that only God understands.

And this line:

“Well, of course, I know Micah, doesn’t everyone? I just saw him and Jeremiah and a couple of the minor prophets the other day."

This seems a little rude to me. They're called minor prophets because their books are really short, but if you actually know the guys would you call them that?

Also, I love this exchange:

“Wow, Gabe, look. It’s Redeemer 1. Better get into your choir robe.” Quickly Gabriel slipped into his choir robe.

It paints such a vivid picture! And I've always found it's best to tell the readers what a character will do, then say the character does that, using a sentence structure that manages to grate on the ear with mindless repetition.

I cannot get enough of this magazine. We should all take up subscriptions.