Jaina (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
effervescible) wrote2003-05-23 06:52 pm
effervescible) wrote2003-05-23 06:52 pm
Entry tags:
Two things that chapped my ass today
Three, technically. My neck is in a thousand knots from staring down at bundles of boring paper, looking for checks that never materialized. WAH. Anyways.
1) Stupid dentist's office. Last week, I was having dinner with the lovely Emma before her play, and two of my front teeth started feeling this odd pressure and then went numb. I don't have a clue what's up with them. So, I scheduled a dentist's appointment, and as per Mom's suggestion, mentioned I might as well get a cleaning as long as I was there. See, she thought that my last standard cleaning was in January, and as I repress my trips to the dentist as quickly as possible, I figured she was right. She wasn't. It was March. So I got home to hear a couple of messages from the denist's office cancelling my appointment because they didn't have me down as needing a cleaning. YOU STUPID BINT, I SAID THERE WAS ANOTHER REASON! And I scheduled this appoint for next Tuesday on this past MONDAY. Way to give me a lot of time to call in to work things out, especially since they won't be open on Memorial Day. If they filled in my appointment time I am going to be so (more) pissed. Bugfuckers. I'm pretty sure I was audibly pissed on the message I left.
2) Whoever makes the chili at the Skyline on Schrock Road in Westerville. Okay, chili? Has more than beans and a weak watery brown substance. This was just...bland. I like cheese and noodles and beans okay, but I wanted CHILI! Chili has spice, even corporate sell-out chili like Skyline. Goddammit. Now I have to drive all the way to Polaris if I want some decent Skyline. Bugfuckers, conspiring to keep me from a good meal! I'm sorry I ever ogled you, Chasier Boy With Dimples!
And now for some
The night before last I had a somewhat odd dream. Val and I were talking about something in one of our rooms from sophomore year, which were across the hall from an old non-friend. For those who don't know the background, to make a long story short...Val and I had a good friend during the beginning of freshman year. We liked her a lot, so when she started acting like a self-absorbed asshole we kept making up excuses and tried to be understanding. That wore thin, and eventually we were distinctly Not Friends. Whatever, that was three years ago, while I was quite pissed about the whole thing for six to nine months afterward, I've been beyond anger about the whole deal for a long time now and we can even nod civilly to each other in passing.
But in the dream, Val and I were giggling over some amusing act of violence (I don't know if it was in anime or what, it was vague and a dream, people) and I made some comment about directing the violence at the evil bitch across the hall. In the dream, she heard me, got pissed, and snarked about it online. I started composing an e-mail explaining how I was just joking and lied that it wasn't really about her anyway. (I don't actually wish her violence or anything, this was just in the dream.) Then I think I woke up or switched dreams.
My first thought upon waking was "wtf dude?" Then it got me thinking. This isn't even about yonder ex-friend, it's about the dream reflecting more of real-life me than I'd like. Because my behavior in the dream is really not all that different from how I would react in real life.
Sometimes I am a bitch. I get tired or cranky or am just having a bitchy day. Sometimes I make stupid mistakes. On these and similar occasions, people get deservedly pissy with me. But I've noticed other times, when there is simply a miscommunication or even when maybe the other person is being a little more jerky than is necessary...more often than not, I automatically blame myself. I think "What did I do? How can I fix this?" In some ways, this isn't a bad thing, because at least I'm honestly trying to figure out if I was an ass and how I can rectify this in the future. Other times, the other person is being a jerk and I'm doing them no favors by not calling them on it. (btw, this is truly not directed at anyone. It's just something I've noticed about myself through minor incidents.) Other than when I'm just being cranky and snappish myself, I rarely allow me to get angry back. I assume I am wrong, and I placate.
I am terrified that if I get too snarky back, or if I step too far over some invisible line, the other person will decide that I am an ass in all ways and write me off for good. For me, ideally, arguments should happen and people should vent their pissiness and then talk about it, both willing to listen and compromise. Yet I keep thinking that the other person will always view it as a win/lose competition, and if I don't back down, well, see you later, Angie.
I don't like this. I think I need to work on this. This doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to become Angie, version Belligerent Bitch, but I think I'll take the time to think about my words carefully. Because while arguing sucks, so also sucks the idea that one day I won't be able to handle any kind of conflict at all, that I'll become a waif who is so scared of rejection that she can't handle a simple argument. That's a scenario of extremes, yeah. But everything starts somewhere. I don't want this to be me.
Bah, I sound like a total bummer. Hey, it's the weekend! I get to have free time and write/edit fic and I don't have to go to work at the usual time/at all on Monday if I don't want to!I get to worry about future temp jobs and making money! No, I will be fine. I think I'm going to check out Anime Palace in Worthington tomorrow, and play some tennis with Chris if he's up for it. Oh, and ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
qkellie, we must make plans to get together very soon. That's about it, I suppose. I really will post an ACen recap tonight or tomorrow. Really!
1) Stupid dentist's office. Last week, I was having dinner with the lovely Emma before her play, and two of my front teeth started feeling this odd pressure and then went numb. I don't have a clue what's up with them. So, I scheduled a dentist's appointment, and as per Mom's suggestion, mentioned I might as well get a cleaning as long as I was there. See, she thought that my last standard cleaning was in January, and as I repress my trips to the dentist as quickly as possible, I figured she was right. She wasn't. It was March. So I got home to hear a couple of messages from the denist's office cancelling my appointment because they didn't have me down as needing a cleaning. YOU STUPID BINT, I SAID THERE WAS ANOTHER REASON! And I scheduled this appoint for next Tuesday on this past MONDAY. Way to give me a lot of time to call in to work things out, especially since they won't be open on Memorial Day. If they filled in my appointment time I am going to be so (more) pissed. Bugfuckers. I'm pretty sure I was audibly pissed on the message I left.
2) Whoever makes the chili at the Skyline on Schrock Road in Westerville. Okay, chili? Has more than beans and a weak watery brown substance. This was just...bland. I like cheese and noodles and beans okay, but I wanted CHILI! Chili has spice, even corporate sell-out chili like Skyline. Goddammit. Now I have to drive all the way to Polaris if I want some decent Skyline. Bugfuckers, conspiring to keep me from a good meal! I'm sorry I ever ogled you, Chasier Boy With Dimples!
And now for some
The night before last I had a somewhat odd dream. Val and I were talking about something in one of our rooms from sophomore year, which were across the hall from an old non-friend. For those who don't know the background, to make a long story short...Val and I had a good friend during the beginning of freshman year. We liked her a lot, so when she started acting like a self-absorbed asshole we kept making up excuses and tried to be understanding. That wore thin, and eventually we were distinctly Not Friends. Whatever, that was three years ago, while I was quite pissed about the whole thing for six to nine months afterward, I've been beyond anger about the whole deal for a long time now and we can even nod civilly to each other in passing.
But in the dream, Val and I were giggling over some amusing act of violence (I don't know if it was in anime or what, it was vague and a dream, people) and I made some comment about directing the violence at the evil bitch across the hall. In the dream, she heard me, got pissed, and snarked about it online. I started composing an e-mail explaining how I was just joking and lied that it wasn't really about her anyway. (I don't actually wish her violence or anything, this was just in the dream.) Then I think I woke up or switched dreams.
My first thought upon waking was "wtf dude?" Then it got me thinking. This isn't even about yonder ex-friend, it's about the dream reflecting more of real-life me than I'd like. Because my behavior in the dream is really not all that different from how I would react in real life.
Sometimes I am a bitch. I get tired or cranky or am just having a bitchy day. Sometimes I make stupid mistakes. On these and similar occasions, people get deservedly pissy with me. But I've noticed other times, when there is simply a miscommunication or even when maybe the other person is being a little more jerky than is necessary...more often than not, I automatically blame myself. I think "What did I do? How can I fix this?" In some ways, this isn't a bad thing, because at least I'm honestly trying to figure out if I was an ass and how I can rectify this in the future. Other times, the other person is being a jerk and I'm doing them no favors by not calling them on it. (btw, this is truly not directed at anyone. It's just something I've noticed about myself through minor incidents.) Other than when I'm just being cranky and snappish myself, I rarely allow me to get angry back. I assume I am wrong, and I placate.
I am terrified that if I get too snarky back, or if I step too far over some invisible line, the other person will decide that I am an ass in all ways and write me off for good. For me, ideally, arguments should happen and people should vent their pissiness and then talk about it, both willing to listen and compromise. Yet I keep thinking that the other person will always view it as a win/lose competition, and if I don't back down, well, see you later, Angie.
I don't like this. I think I need to work on this. This doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to become Angie, version Belligerent Bitch, but I think I'll take the time to think about my words carefully. Because while arguing sucks, so also sucks the idea that one day I won't be able to handle any kind of conflict at all, that I'll become a waif who is so scared of rejection that she can't handle a simple argument. That's a scenario of extremes, yeah. But everything starts somewhere. I don't want this to be me.
Bah, I sound like a total bummer. Hey, it's the weekend! I get to have free time and write/edit fic and I don't have to go to work at the usual time/at all on Monday if I don't want to!
qkellie, we must make plans to get together very soon. That's about it, I suppose. I really will post an ACen recap tonight or tomorrow. Really!